Sitrep: lit up like a Christmas tree

"If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent" (essextee)
04/14/2019 at 21:36 • Filed to: None

Buckle up folks cause this list of maladies reads like one of those crazy person string maps in a crime drama:

First things first: I have a dead bulb. I have had four dead taillight bulbs in six months. I’m pretty sure the moisture seals on the units have failed. I could swap in the OEM ones that came with the car but they are pre-facelift and dated as all hell. Currently looking for a good deal on a new pair of Taiwanese knock-off facelift ones.

I’s also got no ABS or DSC because of a bad wheel speed sensor. I know which one and have a replacement but the wheel I need to remove has seized lugs. I have no access to power tools and I can’t use a breaker bar with the car’s included lug wrench.

If and when that wheel comes off I have to throw the spare on after and drop the wheel off to get a slow leak fixed.

I’m pretty sure the CEL is for the vehicle speed sensor (cruise control stopped working at the same time) but I can’t verify

BECAUSE

No scantool is currently able to connect to the ECU! Joy of joys! I’ve tried three different ones.

I want to say this is due to the sunroof leak that I’ve been ignoring because it’s too scary to try to fix myself and I can’t afford to have a shop do it.

I’ve felt moisture where my feet go after some torrential rain recently so I need to pull the lower dash panel off and inspect the OBD port for corrosion.

I have an airbag light that I can’t scan. See above issue.

Car is also way overdue for state inspection due to the aformentioned airbag light. Luckily the local cops are pretty chill.

Also my headlight auto-adjusters are broken and I need to replace pretty much all the accessory pulleys because they’re getting quite loud.

Then there’s that thing with the AC condensor fan I posted about last week. Gotta replace that before the weather gets hot and it needs to run all the time.

Before I do that job though I’m casually looking for a new front bumper because mine is split. Removing it is part of the fan job so might as well kill two birds.

WELCOME TO GERMAN CAR OWNERSHIP

ETA: My phone does this thing where it scans image content and auto-tags images with what it thinks is relevant. My dash light pic got tagged as “Holidays" because even my phone thinks it looks like a Christmas tree!

DISCUSSION (31)

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
04/14/2019 at 21:46

I know which one and have a replacement but the wheel I need to remove has seized lugs

Oh this one is easy: take it Les Schwabbity Schwaaaab or any place that will do a free rotation. Let them knock off that seized lug for you with their air tools. I’ve done this on two vehicles when I couldn’t get off a lug.

RacinBob > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
04/14/2019 at 21:48

I strongly encourage you to get to a shop or someone with an impact wrench for taking the stuck lug off. More torque in my experience just breaks the stud. I bought a car for parting out and broke about half the studs before talking to a friend. He brought over his battery impact and the rest came off as easily as you could imagine. Lesson learned. If the nut won’t turn, impact.

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
04/14/2019 at 21:48

You f orget I’m on an island. No big chain alignment shops to be found.

That’s another thing I need.

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > RacinBob
04/14/2019 at 21:51

That’s what I’ll have to do but I’ll feel like a dolt for taking it to a shop for that silly problem when there’s that airbag light and lapsed inspection hanging over my head.

The car has hardened lug bolts instead of studs at least, so there’s less of a chan ce of snapping one.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
04/14/2019 at 21:55

Island? What island?

Deal Killer - Powered by Focus > RacinBob
04/14/2019 at 21:56

I bought a cheap impact wrench from the Harbor Freight, as I thought it might come in handy. I’ve used it more than a few times getting the seized lug nuts off of the Focus, as apparently they are predisposed to be very difficult to remove. Those bastards will be stuck tight, and no amount of straining on a wrench, even with a pipe for extra leverage, will break them free. However, my cheap ass impact wrench? Briip, Briip. Off they come. It’s like magic.

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
04/14/2019 at 21:57

Well, at least all of the warning lights work. Or some of them do...

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo
04/14/2019 at 21:58

There was great debate and wailing and gnashing of teeth about using a little dab of Never-Seize on the lug bolts. Avoids this sort of thing, but be careful not to excessive torque.

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
04/14/2019 at 21:58

Martha's Vineyard

RacinBob > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
04/14/2019 at 21:59

Oh, I bet you can snap one or more! I watched a guy fail four ARP studs at the track...... They ain’t made of Krypti nite

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo
04/14/2019 at 22:09

My mom has a great story from when she used to be the GM of Nashua’s transit sytem. A tech high on opiods only hand tightened the lugs on a bus after swapping wheels. The wheels on the bus went round-and-round for sure, right down the highway without the bus. Federal standards for drug testing were modified after that day.

DipodomysDeserti > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
04/14/2019 at 22:12

Where is the wheel speed sensor at? On my wife’s BMW it was in the back of the hub and I was able to replace it without removing the wheel. I just turned the wheel all the way towards the outside of the car.

Shift24 > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
04/14/2019 at 22:14

Scan tool won’t do shit unless you get a 20 pin adapter or one that can run 20 pin.

W ater could be a leaking door seal/weather barrier. Pour water down the out side of the door with it open. If it come though the panel definitely the seal. Mine leaked randomly after a month I bought mine

I replaced the front with a Ebay m5 look alike and looks good. Though if you have fogs you have to change a bit.

Also doubt the CEL is the speed sensor. One way to tell, pull the battery. Speed sensor should come back as you move. But CEL would come back as you put it under load. Best guess on CEL is ignition coil. They love to go bad

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > Shift24
04/14/2019 at 22:24

Scanning through both the OBD2 and 20-pin worked until last month, when I got a CEL with a code for the speed sensor. The cruise control stopped working for a few driving cycles and came back when the light went away.

I know for a fact it’s the sunroof because it’s currently popped a few mm because the cab les are out of sync.

My X-type is too a real Jaguar > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
04/14/2019 at 22:24

This is why British cars are better, the warning lights don’t work either.

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > DipodomysDeserti
04/14/2019 at 22:26

Back of the hub. I could do it with the wheel on if I had a lift but working on the ground it’s easier for me an d my sausage fingers to do it with the wheel off.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
04/14/2019 at 22:26

I had no idea you were actually a fancy boi

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
04/14/2019 at 22:27

Am not a fancy boi, as evidenced by the state of my car.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
04/14/2019 at 22:29

Maybe you’re just like me: you use your immense wealth for other things!

...

Oh who am I kidding. I had string cheese and beer for dinner

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
04/14/2019 at 22:34

That's a pretty awesome dinner in my book.

ItalianJobR53 - now with added 'MERICA and unreliability > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
04/14/2019 at 22:37

Have you tried INPA? Its free on the webz

https://www.bimmergeeks.net/downloads get the standard tools

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > ItalianJobR53 - now with added 'MERICA and unreliability
04/14/2019 at 22:40

Unfortunately I'm pretty sure the problem is the car. Nothing can connect through either the OBD2 port or the under-hood BMW proprietary port.

ItalianJobR53 - now with added 'MERICA and unreliability > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
04/14/2019 at 22:41

ooh no :(

its gonna be expensive to fix, me thinks

Spamfeller Loves Nazi Clicks > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
04/14/2019 at 23:02

Me: Oh, that’s not TOO terrible... could be a bad ECU causing half of that and the rest is mechanic-

“Also my headlight auto-adjusters are broken”

FUCKING REMOVE THE CEL BULB AND PUT THAT SHIT ON CRAIGSLIST LAST WEEK.

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > Spamfeller Loves Nazi Clicks
04/14/2019 at 23:16

Only one of them does the little aiming dance upon startup, but then it settles into the lowest possible position. The other one is just locked into place. Also in close to the lowest position. I’ve replaced both the front and rear axle sensors. There's still a code for a bad axle sensor.

It’s a good thing I rarely drive after dark.

Mini Guy- Now has a 4Runner > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
04/14/2019 at 23:27

image upload failed reeeee kinja

Kinja'd!!!

Welcome to the club (also this has been my daily for the last couple of weeks because my car is getting detailed bc Momma Mini Guy delivered fajitas in the back of the Mini and promptly spilled them onto my back seat)

Shift24 > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
04/14/2019 at 23:34

Weird never got a CEL for my wheel speed. Only dsc.

Also popped how? Like tilt or slide. Tilt you could just crack the other plastic arm.

Also on stuck lug, penetrating oil at wheel and lug point, hit lug end with a hammer, and then get the rotor/hub super hot, hard breaking decent distance. Then go at that lug, quick impacts only. Do not hang on or apply consistent force. Needs to be impacts.

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > Shift24
04/14/2019 at 23:42

It can tilt or slide, but then won’t close. The wind deflector is out of sync with the glass and they collide. To close it from a slide I have to push the deflector down with a knife tip or something so the glass will close, and even then the glass sits high at the front by a few mm and makes hella wind noise. No amount of fiddling with the adjustments makes it sit right.

When you try to close it from a tilt the glass collides with the back of the sunroof hole. You have to open the overhead console hatch and forcibly hand crank it closed.

Forums say this is caused by two plastic caps at the end of the sunroof rails that crack with age and cause everything to go out of whack. The fix involves disassembling a million tiny pieces and I don’t trust myself to attempt it. I got it quoted and it’s like a $600 job just in labor.

The CEL is for the vehicle speed sensor on the trans, not the wheel speed sensor.

Spamfeller Loves Nazi Clicks > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
04/14/2019 at 23:53

Seriously. This thing is... unless your indy is a fucking god , it’s fucked. It is money furnace . Droopy headlight, replace the entire goddamn headlight assembly. (I don’t need to be a BMW expert to know that. It’s SOP on all cars with it.) Locked into place, probably ALSO a new headlight assembly. The whole thing. Then a bunch of sensors. Then fucking with the windshield.

And then we get to the axles, fuck. Well on the plus side, wheel speed sensors usually aren’t expensive. Problem is, computer says it’s axle sensor, so computer’s almost definitely f ucked. Well I mean above and beyond the 30 things already telling you the computer’s fucked.

Aaaaand with water infiltration, the computer probably didn’t just up and die on it’s own. That.. actually doesn’t happen real often. Sooooo, wiring fuckery afoot? You betcha. That’s only $FUCKTON to diagnose because it generally involves ripping everything apart.

Take money.
Place in wheelbarrow.
Dump into furnace.
Repeat.

Future Heap Owner > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
04/15/2019 at 00:11

Hah, yeah, good thing for me Germany and Sweden are so far apart.

*nervously glances at his Volvo *

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > Spamfeller Loves Nazi Clicks
04/15/2019 at 06:00

I used cheap aftermarket sensors so that could be a cause. But again, my work schedule rarely has me driving after dark so it hasn’t been an issue.